Dec 29, 2009

We Steel Don't Believe

I've heard enough about scenarios and this and that but its over
The Pittsburgh Stiller 2009-10 season will only last three days into the 2010 portion

The Bengals will lay down to let the Jets in the playoffs as will the Patriots, a lesser extent
There is no hope

For anybody out there who thinks otherwise put your money where your drunken ramblings are

I will break down each scenario and what a 20 dollar bet would pay out on a parlay on said scenario

Scenario One
Stillers win
Texans lose
Jets Lose

20 dollars pays out $716
Yes $716

Scenario Two
Stillers win
Texans lose
Ravens lose

20 dollars pays out $716
Yes the same as scenario one

Scenario Three
Stillers win
Jets Lose
Ravens Lose
Broncos Lose

20 dollars pays out $5,648

There you have it
You think they can get in?
Not a prayer
But we will pray anyway
And if they get in, then our tickets, airfare, everything will be paid for by these insane odds


Dec 26, 2009

Semi-Live Blog For Saturday Three-Play Sponsored by Hot 'n Ready

12:42 p.m.
A little too early for Pizza
but just in time
for the Little Caesars Hot n Ready Pizza Bowl that will kickoff at noon Detroit time

Second best bowl sponsor of the year, behind only Beef O'Brady's

Free Crazy Bread for everyone if the opening kickoff is brought back for a touchdown
Too bad the Stillers arent playing

Also on tap is a lone basketball game, very odd indeed, on CBS, nationally televised a
t 3:30 pm ET when No. 6 West Virginia puts its perfect record on the line against Seton Hall, on the road as only three-point favorites

At 4 p.m. it is sPitt and North Carolina playing for all the mufflers in the Meineke Car Care Bowl
Pitt has not scored a point in a bowl game since January 1, 2005 when Greg Lee caught a Tyler Palko touchdown pass in a blowout loss against Utah
Good seats still available

and then the Kwanzaa day one celebration caps off with a Christmas Carroll, USC and Pete
arroll playing a day after Christmas on a baseball field against Boston College
Good television indeed
Watching this ESPN College Football Live and Dari Nookah is quickly climbing up my LoPWDIWLtP (List of People Whose Demise I would Love to Plot)

1:06 p.m.
I see why Marshall wears the green highlighters for uniforms now, in case they ever reached a bowl game where they would be paired up with another green and white team

Detroit, the day after Christmas and the first day of Kwanzaa, that is what you get for going 6-6 in the MAC
This is why you need more bowl games, teams need to be punished for having bad seasons

It used to be, you went 6-6 and you got the rest of the semester off, now they ship you off to Detroit and force you to play a game that generates almost as much local uninterest a
s a Detroit Lions game

I feel for Chuck McGill right now, bowl games are supposed to be a reward for sport beat writers, i do not see how all the crazy bread you can eat in press row, could be a reward

1:15 p.m.

List of People Whose Demise I Would Love to Plot
(List subject to change)

1. Greg Brown
2. Delonte West
3. John Wehner
4. Dari Nowkhah
5. Kurt Delia
6. Vince Young
7. Cashier at South Side Beer
8. Bob Walk
9. Luke Wilson
10. Steve Blass
11. Ron Jaworski
12. Verizon Guy
13. Rachel Nichols

1:45 p.m.
Watching this game with Juice
He has 14 confidence points on, the
most out of anybody in the poll
He obviously picked Ohio
They are losing 14-0
You would think he has 2gs on the game
This is highly entertaining

He also must have thought this was the Red Baron Pizza Bowl because he just came back from Giant Eagles with a frozen pizza (and a green pepper and onion) not sure what those are for but i assume the green pepper is honor of the Ohio Bobcats who are now down 21-0 by the way

2:01 p.m.
Pam Ward (Mr. Ward) who is often mistaken for a guy in her own right just said this little nugget:
"That is a she, not a he"
She was talking about the one line judge on the field who in fact is a female
But I wonder how many times the same quote has been on her

2:09 p.m.
Best. Bowl. Moment. Ever.

My favorite tradition ever in bowl history is a fan bringing in a whistle and using it to disrupt the game while the referee hopelessly gets on his mic and tries to find the culpirt, this involves alot of guessing, pointing, delays, etc.

It is why I love bowl games

Anyways 21-7, Marshall, we might have a game

4:37 p.m.
Marshall holds on
Juice is homicidial right now, he just loaded up 33 confidence points on Pitt after losing his 14 on Ohio
Literally I am laughing out loud while typing this

Meineke Muffler Bowl Coverage
The Upper Deck of the Stadium is basically empty and that with North Carolina sending a boat load of fans
The Pitt traveling fan reputation continues to grow

Goes to....

Hubert Davis

Goes to....

Seth Davis

No relation
I think

4:44 p.m.
The Pitt bowl scoreless streak continues
Dorin Dickerson drops a touchdown pass and then some stiff shanks a field goal
No wonder no fans went down there for this


Dec 24, 2009

Nightmare Before Christmas I

There is only one game on today
That is a nightmare in itself

Nightmare Before Christmas II

How does a team named Santa Clara blow a 30-25 halftime lead and lose 74-68 as 2-point favorites just minutes into Christmas Eve on the East Coast, Santa Fucking Clara!

Thats like St. Mary's losing on Mothers Day or Morehead St. losing on Valentines Day

Nightmare Before Christmas III

Pac-10 teams, they should just run out of the tunnel with a big flag saying bet on the other team we do not want to be here
There should be a discount on getting a loan from the San Diego County Credit Union to cover a gambling debt caused by the San Diego County Credit Union Poinsettia Bowl

Sleeping With the Fishes
The annual night of binging on fish and gin and tonic while watching the Hawaii Bowl is upon us


Dec 19, 2009

Live Infrequently Updated Fake Running Bowl Blog

Saturday, December 19
4:28 p.m.-We're live

Check back throughout the greatest season of the year, Bowl Season, for updates about what is going on with the bowl games, most posts will have nothing to do with the play on the field, will be fueled by alcohol or rage out of losing money on betting said games and most importantly be very, very infrequent and unannounced

5:58 p.m.- We're blogging live from the New Mexico Bowl in (where else) New Mexico, actually I'm playing the role of Dick Couch right now and sitting in the South Side of Pittsburgh watching this game

It is halftime and here is what I gathered from the first half

John Denver was born in New Mexico
Bill Richardson is not of Mexican decent
They were playing "I Aint No Holla Back Girl" during a timeout, I am not making that up
They should change the name of the Bowl to the New Mexxxico Bowl next year and either be sponsored by Dos Equis or by an inappropriate adult bookstore that is so sensual we cannot even tell you about it on tv (or this fake blog)

6:04 p.m.
I have always heard it is dangerous to text and drive, never believed it, until i had to temporarily switch to a touch screen phone, it is not just dangerous, it is literally a death defying feat to pull off, your eyes are completely off the road for six seconds at a time

Also 10-point favorite Fresno Fucking State is tied with these stiffs from Wyoming (where I donated $95 a few summers ago for speeding). I got like 20-plus confidence points on these clowns, this bowl poll could be over while toosh is still 20

6:16 p.m.
Does Rob Stone get paid more to act like an idiot in parking lots?
ESPN just showed UCF fans tailgating in parking lots and then to show how they outnumbered the Rutgers fans, zoomed in to a group of Rutgers fans drinking on a hotel balcony, a hotel that appeared to be a Motel 6. These guys had no idea their snausage fest was being beemed nationally, it was a classic ESPN moment and a reason why I love bowl games

That will be tough to beat in terms of best bowl moments

6:18 p.m
Getting a kick out of this ESPN college bowl theme song
I am a champion
I am a champion
The lyrics are basically that

The 8pm game will feature two teams both named the Knights
The Rutgers Knights and the UCF Knights
Let the drinking game begin, every mention of this you slam a beer

See if your still standing for the second half

6:30 p.m.
Fresno State just kicked off from its own endzone after two personal fouls
I have watched a lot, a lot of football, never saw that
Besides the Rutgers fans tailgating on their Motel 6 Balcony that was the second best moment of bowl season

7:44 p.m.
In case 34 bowl games was not enough, the first one is headed for a fifth quarter
We got a doozy in Albakerkee

7:47 p.m.
If Wyoming wins this game I am putting a boatload on the Saints tonight, what are the odds two Cowboys win on the same day

The St. Petersburg Bowl is sponsored by Beef O' Brady's
Yes Beef O' Brady's

The St. Petersburg Bowl one upped itself from last season when it was sponsored by Magicjack

Where does Beef O' Brady's rank in terms of all-time bowl sponsors?
Lets rank them

No. 10 Gaylord Hotels
No. 9 Continental Tires
No. 8
No. 7 MPC Computers
No. 6 San Diego County Credit Union
No. 5
No. 4 Magicjack
No. 3 Beef O' Bradys
No. 2 California Raisin
No. 1 Poulan Weed-Eater

8:03 p.m.
Pat Hill's moustache just lit up like the fourth of a July
The Crowd is on the field, the Crowd is on the field, the Wyoming fan base inexplicably pulled a Kentucky and rushed the field IN A BOWL GAME NO LESS, and nearly the entire team from the sideline rushed too, while the kick was hopelessly wide left

Great moment

8:14 p.m.
Not only did this double overtime game force me to miss the first few minutes of the Beef O' Brady Bunch St. Petersburgh Bowl but it cost me 20 some points in the Bowl Poll
Luckily three people had this as their 33-confidence pick
The Crowd is on the Field
The Crowd is on the Field

I usually rank the bowl games in terms of how good they were, and the first game is always No. 1 because well its the only game that has been played but this will likely stay at No. 1 for the foreseable future


Apr 28, 2009

Pure Brilliance From The Couch Slouch
The best column in the paper today easily

Here are some excerpts from his Draft diary

4:02: The United States has deployed 38,000 troops to Afghanistan, ESPN deploys 39,000 to the NFL draft
4:50: In an otherwise large, estatic gathering of Andrew Smith's family and friends, a baby is crying - apparently the only one aware that he's been selected by the Bengals
4:56: The Raiders' draft room, I suppose, consists of Al Davis, a change of sweatsuits and a Ouija board
6:13: If the Browns trade down any further, their first pick will be in the WNBA draft
6:29: Percy Harvin was high on my list
6:30: I don't have any definitive evidence, but something tells me the BEngals don't use their draft room for drafting purposes

Not for the Succos

The Pirates lost their 16th consecutive game in Miller Park and 13th in a row overall to the Brew Crew who might be my new favorite team because of this dominance over the hapless sad sack Succos